CHURCH BELLS RING
HE YAWNS LOUDLY
You look lovely every Sunday!
Why waste it on the vicar?!
The road to paradise, lovely, is in THIS direction!
Get something on!
You've no right to talk to a churchgoer in that condition.
If you get mice in your bedroom, you'll need a good neighbour. Mice are better neighbours than you!
She's got a wicked tongue!
I love a mature woman with a wicked tongue!
Aaaaaaah!
Will you close your mouth?!
How did you get planning permission for a hole that size?
Well, I were up before dinner, seeing Nora Batty off to church.
That's the crack of dawn, is it?
AND I were up half the night with my ferret.
Sorry to hear that. Anything serious?
No. He's just got too much energy.
He were exploring inside my clock!
Sneaks up your nostril, does he?
My chiming clock!
How odd it all seems to those of us used to a ferret-free environment.
You just let it wander about?
I don't LET it. It doesn't ask permission. It just gets out.
And goes to the clock?
Every time! Straight to the clock!
Why don't you buy him a wristwatch?
He just likes to ferret about inside the works.
As a headmaster, I can tell you small boys are like that. Into EVERYTHING.
The number of times I had to replace Matron's hearing aid!
I suppose their curiosity is natural
but I never dared employ anyone with an artificial limb.
They'd have had it unscrewed in a trice.
Hey, Norm, what's a trice?
Well, it looks like a jiffy, but it has three wheels.
Why do you think the world is full of creepy crawlies?
Well, if you've no qualifications, it's one way to get on in the world.
I'm talking about invertebrates - the insects and associated squigglies.
Are they an evolutionary mistake, or is there a purpose?
Could you repeat the question?
We're not paying attention again, are we?
Will he keep me in at playtime?
I wouldn't be surprised.
You should be interested in these questions. You can't swan through life any old how.
I don't do badly. I'm good at any old how.
I'd say you were VERY good at it.
Look at the state of him. Do you call that "not so bad"?
What have you done to make people admire you?
I live next door to Nora Batty.
That's TRUE!
One can only admire such STAMINA.
You get medals for being in a war but absolutely nothing for living next door to Nora Batty.
Nothing to it!
Oh, he's so modest!
Makes you realise, there will always be an England.
CAR HORN TOOTS
Ey up! It's Jack Harry Teesdale.
'Ow do, lads?
And good day to you, Jack Harry Teesdale.
What's wrong with Mrs Teesdale?
If you want to know anything, Seymour, just ask!
She'll be all right. We've had a great weekend.
She just hates the last bit.
Coming home? She hates coming home?
I do. I hate it. I really hate it.
You should try living in my place!
She DOESN'T hate it. I do. I hate it.
It SOUNDS like she hates it.
Well, don't stand there.
Hop in, if you want a lift.
I REALLY hate it.
Great weekend. Bit of fishing. Bit of intensive bingo. She enjoyed it!
I did. I'm not hard to please.
My mother was a Wagstaffe.
I used to know your Eric. He took early retirement.
At every opportunity! He's not a good colour. I was saying that earlier.
But we always do enjoy it. Caravanning is our cup of tea.
We get away every weekend.
Every weekend!
Every single weekend.
She loves it. Can't keep her at home.
HE WHISTLES: "I'M FOREVER BLOWING BUBBLES"
That wasn't so bad, was it? Did you feel the benefit?
It's a lot of bobbing up and down.
I wouldn't call it a lot. No!
It's not excitable, like foreign religions!
^ You'll get used to it. Oh, I don't know.
You can get a lot of quiet Christian amusement watching some of the hats.
I don't think the hats are funny.
Not from where you're looking!
Didn't you feel a glow?
Even beginners can admit to feeling a glow.
I felt a draught.
There WAS a draught!
You should sing louder, then.
I don't think it's necessary to sing loud.
I think it's more important to look seriously Christian.
I think YOU'VE cracked it!
I believe in singing loud.
That's where the draught was from!
We weren't taught to sing quietly.
There's too many whispering Christians in the Church.
But will it work? Of course it will!
You aren't messing about here.
This is BIG medicine.
I know our vicar isn't very impressive
but you have to remember the power of his firm!
Good day, Vicar. Very nice service.
Well, here we are then. Safe and sound.
Yes, here we are, then.
Thanks, Jack. Any time!
Ta-ta, then, love!
Oh, cheer up! It might not happen.
It always has. Every damn time. Come along!
Let's not start prying.
I like a little pry.
She's not happy.
But what can you expect when all she eats is handkerchiefs?
What colour IS her Eric?
A sort of pale, Eric colour.
I thought he was dead.
No wonder he's a funny colour.
No. The dead one is their Ronald.
Come on!
Another foot! That way!
Jack Harry looks cheerful enough.
He always was. I can't understand it.
In every other particular he'd pass as perfectly normal.
Come on! Come on!
Another foot!
Which way?
That way.
Left hand down or right hand down?
Left!
NO! NO! RIGHT! RIGHT!
STOP!
I can't get over Mrs Jack Harry Teesdale.
Sitting there, eating handkerchiefs.
Poor woman!
How long since their Ronald died?
Must be two years.
It's such an odd name to be dead with, "Ronald".
It just doesn't seem to fit into the bigger cosmic conditions.
What did he die of, anyway?
He fell down a 200-foot cliff!
He were on holiday.
That's some holiday. I think he was drunk.
Witnesses said he sang all the way down!
I think that's terrible.
Singing in public.
Save your concern for the living. What about poor Mrs Teesdale? She seems worried about something.
You're very sharp today. Of course she's worried about something.
We've got to try to help her.
I could help her better with another pint!
Suppose we can't help her at all?
Suppose it's none of our business?
I am a former headmaster with wide experience of the world.
I'm a former blood donor. A former book club member.
How can it be none of my business?
RIGHT!
If there's anything we can do...
You can put a match to that caravan.
I thought you liked caravanning. I like GOING but I HATE coming home.
He can never back it into the damned drive. It happens every time.
He gets me so I don't know my left from my right, then he blames me.
I was sorry to hear about your Ronald.
Our Ronald was a drunk. He was useless.
And I loved him dearly. It's my husband I can't stand!
Is that all it is? A question of backing a caravan into a drive?
You think it's nothing?
It's almost ruining our marriage. He won't speak to me all week.
And he insults my cooking.
Go indoors, dear lady. Make yourself a cup of tea and leave everything to Seymour.
Where will Jack Harry be?
The White Horse. Every Sunday. He practically lives there. Er...
If he doesn't talk to you all week, how can he insult your cooking?
Facial expressions.
That man has a range of miserable expressions handed down through generations of Teesdales.
She were right about the Teesdales.
They could sulk a bit!
You had to make your own amusement in those days.
They were very close. They used to sulk together as a family!
If I hadn't spotted that poor woman's problem, that marriage could have ended in divorce.
It's becoming more popular than caravanning.
Normally, she's not a bad lass.
We've been reasonably happy.
She's not too demanding - we always get a good night's sleep.
She does a great Yorkshire pudding.
Onion gravy?
Yes! What kind of barbarian doesn't do onion gravy?!
Marvellous. She's not bad with a Black and Decker.
The simple jobs. You know.
What about...relations?
There's only their Eric.
And he's a funny colour!
I mean normal domestic arrangements.
Unless we're backing caravans, fine!
It's a wonderful bond between two people.
Onion gravy!
If you're so fond of her, why do you shout at her?
Because she drives me flaming mad! She doesn't know left hand down from right hand down.
I don't know left hand down from right hand down.
Fair enough, but you LOOK like a mechanical idiot!
I wouldn't ask YOU to back a caravan.
She's been doing it for six months and it's the same damn performance every time.
What will you do? What I always do.
I'll wait here till dark then hope we can back in with no-one looking.
What time do you get backed in?
The record was 2.30 in the morning.
I use more chuffin' petrol outside our house than I do going to Bridlington.
A lot of women get dozy, you know. About ferrets as well.
It needs a steady eye to reverse a ferret.
Yes.
Relax, Jack Harry. Your problems are over. WE will guide you in.
Thank you.
So that's it? I go to church once and my husband stops going astray?
What do you mean, "once"?
You start to go each week.
Each week?
Well, he goes astray each week.
It's a wise move. You'll have no cause for complaint.
Get the strength of the insurance companies behind you.
How seriously does he go astray?
We don't need details.
He doesn't go SERIOUSLY astray.
It's just that he's weak.
Mmm. He LOOKS weak.
He gets talked into things.
They do. It's often a blessing when they go deaf.
By the time they're old enough to go deaf, people have usually stopped talking them into things.
Does he wear a woolly vest?
I always think that if they're wearing one, they will act responsibly.
Yes. Even if it's a thermal.
They don't like it when you go to church.
It makes them uneasy. Less inclined to put their feet up on chairs.
I wouldn't have that even if I was an atheist.
Dad used to think it was his birthday if you let him get his bottom on a chair!
No-one asked you to tell tales!
Nature designed your father for laying under motor cars, not on my three piece suite!
Quite right!
Listen, I can't thank you blokes enough.
You've no idea what a weight it's taken off my back.
Just to know for once that I can back into my own driveway.
No problem!
HE WHISTLES A TUNE
Howard.
Marina!
How do, Howard.
I don't know who you mean!
How are you, Howard?
I can't stop.
Is our relationship cooling?
It isn't cooling.
How can you accuse me of cooling?
I can hardly breathe in this stuff!
You used to breathe a lot heavier.
Do you no longer find me desirable?
All I know is that when I look at your legs...
..I have difficulty in swallowing.
You really know how to pay a girl a compliment.
And here's me, wearing your favourite blouse.
Don't say any more! I can't SWALLOW!
Oh, Howard!
Oh, Marina!
Oh, for crying out loud! Hurry up, love birds!
Are you coming or not?
I don't know about this stranger, but I'm just resting exhausted from a bicycle ride.
INAUDIBLE
What's he doing?
We find it simplest never to ask.
Seymour never just jumps in and makes a bog-hole of it. He works it all out very carefully.
THEN he makes a bog-hole out of it!
It's a question of angles and curves.
Is that it? Is that the best help I get?
Just sit behind the wheel, follow my instructions, and relax.
That boy there! Come here!
Here we go, Norm!
Now, stand there!
No, there!
Now, don't move!
Not an inch! You there!
Yes, you!
Now! You stand...
..there!
Right.
Now, you musnt't move an inch, either of you, or you'll throw all my calclations out of gear.
And I won't have it! I...
All right, Norm?
Not bad.
I don't mind standing. I can do standing.
Boring though, isn't it? I can handle boring, too.
I've had a lot of practice queuing at the Post Office.
It gets you finely tuned to boring.
What we have here, Jack Harry, are two important markers.
At my command, I want you to begin reversing towards the first marker,
All the time applying left hand lock.
Left hand lock as far as Compo.
Right! Right!
When you get to your first marker, you reverse on the opposite lock.
Left hand lock as far as Compo, right hand lock as far as Clegg.
Correct! And as soon as you draw abreast of Clegg, you begin levelling off.
Then you'll glide gracefully into your drive.
I'll give it a whirl!
Give it a whirl? It's not a lottery!
These are calculations!
Right! Are we ready? At my signal. Wait for it!
Get on with it!
BEGIN!
Now right hand down to Clegg.
And straighten up.
And voila!
Is the man a genius?
Do I hear sounds of applause?
All we can hear is tha big gob!
Now what? I mean, what's wrong with that?
Is no-one ever satisfied?
I didn't expect a vote of thanks, but some small acknowledgement of one's efforts would be nice.
It was poetry in motion.
What's his wife doing next door?
She's not next door. WE'RE next door!
Someone moved! Own up, the boy that moved!
Are you ready, now?
GO!
STOP!
You begin to see the problem! The man's an unskilled driver.
I can see the problem. It's thee, poking tha big nose in.
Oh, come on. Be fair!
Next time, YOU stand behind the caravan! I'll do it!
I don't mind standing behind it.
Jack Harry Teesdale! Where are you going
in such a damned hurry! THE WHITE HORSE!
He sounds upset.
He wants upsetting, driving like that.
I wonder what's upset him.
The man's a menace behind the wheel.
He KNEW I was behind the van.
Didn't you tell him I was there?
He could HEAR you, there. Nag, nag!
I thought I was a goner.
It makes an unpleasant noise, a crushed Seymour!
Subtitles by Mary Thompson BBC - 1989